mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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