I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
