is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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