I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize