o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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