Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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