grandma shit on top of the toilet
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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