oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize