How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize