I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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