She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
