You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
