Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
