Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
