I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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