Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
now i know why i became what i already was.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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