I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
