Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize