I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
