How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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