I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
