I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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