now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
