I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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