I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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