At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
