Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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