Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize