I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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