I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
