sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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