My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
