I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
