don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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