Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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