i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We're too hungover to prance.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
