I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
either way he was missing a nipple.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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