just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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