I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
