Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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