If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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