I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
