Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
