Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
