Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
