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U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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