Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize