When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
