I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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