I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
