I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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