im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
