some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
