do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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