I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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