Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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