Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
