My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
