I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
