I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize